Pairing: Donghae/Hyukjae; Junsu/Hyukjae
Hyukjae follows straight paths.
Hyukjae likes straight paths because they lead him nowhere. He follows them, ignoring detours and stops; paths are made by walking, he thinks when he finds himself trapped in a dead-end, so he keeps on walking until his forehead hits walls and giant dikes.
This is going to be a long path, he says when he finds himself embracing his white sheets and looking through a distant window, cold fingers touching the cold, cold glass. Oh, he says, this is never going to stop, and he expects hearing someone telling him to stop dreaming, because things are never going to be this way, but no one does so he smiles and thinks of a future that doesn’t guzzle.
Hyukjae walks in a straight line, he doesn’t stop, he doesn’t look around; he just keeps walking. There is someone holding onto his arm for a second, so he looks down and sighs.
“Why, what happened Hyukjae, goddamn it!” The voice comes as a whisper, desperate and hopeless and Hyukjae doesn’t want to think about how fearful it sounds.
“Junsu,” He stops to formulate his next words, “Look, I’m betrayed right now,”
“There’s nothing to be betrayed about, come on Hyukjae! I just, just need it!”
Hyukjae sees tears, helplessness and honesty in Junsu’s eyes, he almost believes in them but he tells himself, no, no, never again.
He walks away and things are quiet again, so quiet that it hurts. He thinks of everything that Junsu and he went through, and he almost regrets leaving him there. He betrayed me; he tells himself until he comes back home, throws himself onto the mattress and allows his tears to wet the sleek and smooth sheets of his bed.
“Junsu came crying to me yesterday, what in the world had happened between you two? He was so drunk; I had a hard time dealing with his vomits and shits.” Changmin says over the phone when he wakes up the morning.
“I’m in no place to tell you,”
“Come on, Hyukjae, he’s your friend, your best friend shall I say, for this matter.” Hyukjae wants to yell at his face, because people who had a hard time dealing with Junsu’s vomits and shits have no right to talk about Junsu’s and his relationship, about everything they did together, about how many years they had known each other.
“Just, Changmin, Junsu is a wreck, you have to beware.” The words are way too bitter for Hyukjae; they are hanging on the tip of his tongue and ruining it, little by little.
Hyukjae’s life is taking a full turn. The path has changed, it’s not straight anymore. He isn’t naïf anymore; he tells himself when he sits down on the floor of his new apartment. He allows himself to never think of the past, to never bring it on, again. He promises himself.
He finds a part-time job, in a nearby bar. Everyone is kind and helpful there, except for some drunken young women who want to get into his pants.
There, everyone adores that skinny, yet muscular, boy with his gummy smile and shiny wrinkles. Kyuhyun, his co-worker, tells him that he must be lucky because it was hard for him to be friends enough with everyone when he first started, and Jaejoong tells him, oh shut up Kyuhyun, no one can love the evil bastard that you are. Hyukjae laughs as he wipes the empty and well watered cups, and places them on the plates.
Hyukjae meets Donghae, an employer who only works on week-ends. He’s certainly flattered, everyone can tell that. He eyes him from behind his eyelashes and smiles slightly when their eyes meet. He has a heavy accent, Hyukjae notices.
“Say,” Hyukjae yells over the loud music and Donghae approaches him with a bright smile. “Are you really from Seoul?”
“No,” Donghae answers and Hyukjae might be a little in love with his husky accent “Actually, um, I’m from Mokpo,”
“Yeah, that far,” He answers back, their eyes meet and Hyukjae bits the insides of his cheeks until he can taste his own blood.
Donghae invites him for a coffee, and Hyukjae can’t say no to that, never, he thinks.
“So,” Hyukjae concentrates on the way Donghae’s mouth moves as he flips his spoon over the slender liquid. “You were working in Geonju’s office right? What made you resign? Is it because you really were interested in working in such a nasty bar?&rdquo
Hyukjae’s smile fades; he rests his hand on the wooden table and stares down silently. He thinks of telling him but remembers that even if Donghae is really charming and bland, he’s still a stranger.
“Not really, it’s just that I had some problems that made me step down.”
“Oh really, professional ones?”
“You could say so,”
It’s quiet again, Hyukjae is looking down at his cup and he’s somehow lost. Donghae nudges him, pokes him with his spoon and shows a grin when he gets back his attention. Hyukjae may be a little stunned so he laughs back and sees the kind of scary familiarity in Donghae’s eyes.
“You don’t have to be so stranded,” Donghae says as he throws an arm over Hyukjae’s shoulders, and Hyukjae is staring at him from the very corner of his eyes.
“Look,” Donghae stops on his tracks, pushes a strand away and stares back at Hyukjae. “You look like the kind of persons who have been much betrayed,”
Hyukjae wants to ask him why, how? But finds his words hanging on his tongue when Donghae kisses his mouth, all smoothly and abruptly, so he sees a straight path scrawling into his vision.
“I might like you a little bit,” Donghae’s voice is as quiet as the snow that Hyukjae wants to cry.
When Hyukjae wakes up, he finds Donghae by his side, covered in white sheets and sleeping by the other side of the bed.
He stands up, walks to the balcony, lights a cigarette and stares at the well tinted smokes escaping his mouth. The next minute, Donghae is just beside him, staring at him with blank eyes and Hyukjae is lifelessly standing there, looking down at blue and grey cars, a woman from the next door making out with her boyfriend.
“I didn’t know that you smoke,” Donghae is the first to talk, and the words are uttered lightly and rapidly, making it hard for Hyukjae to catch them.
“What do you even know about me, Donghae,” Hyukjae is sliding down arcs. His head is tilted back and Donghae is staring down at him because Hyukjae is just a smoking mess, a beautiful mess for this matter.
“It was just sex that we had, chill down, Donghae.”
“No,” Donghae says as he sits down in front of Hyukjae, takes away his cigarette and throws it away.
“What are you doing, give it back,”
“Hyukjae, I actually want to know everything about you,” And Hyukjae wants to laugh, clutch his stomach and roll onto the floor until tears come out, but he isn’t, because he fell to the honesty that Donghae’s eyes show, again, because he keeps telling himself that he’s changed and that’s he isn’t naïf anymore, but he’s still following the same straight path, ignoring detours and giant stops.
“What do you want to know about me,” He says as he allows his arms to fall down, “That I’m a wreck? A human weapon as Junsu says?”
“Junsu, Kim fucking Junsu, my best friend, or was he? Oh right. The one that I have known for sixteen years, we’ve fucking done everything together, since we’ve been chubby-cheeked, when his parents fucking gave up on him, I’ve been the one who has taken care of him, of his idiocies and bêtises, I buried my feelings for him in silent books, I fucking never wanted him to notice, because I was too kind, because I never wanted him to leave me, but he fucking used me for his drugs and money, and then he would come back, with tears drenching his face, asking me to take him back as easy as it seems, ironic isn’t it?”
Hyukjae is sure that he’s crying, but he doesn’t wipe his tears off, he doesn’t muffle his sobs, he just stares down until he hears the rasping of the door, and by then he’s sure that Donghae isn’t there anymore, or maybe he is.
The night after, Junsu calls him, voice all whiny and helpless, and Hyukjae says that he won’t fall for it; the straight paths won’t cross again, not anymore.
“Hyukjae, come back please, I need you, I just, Donghae came yesterday and he told me that I should clarify thing between us and-“
The line is off; Hyukjae’s phone is into pieces just in front of him. He looks down and smiles with tears sprouting his eyes.
“You’re all the same, all the same bastards.”
Donghae is in his doorway, Hyukjae doesn’t get it, he doesn’t get a single thing, he wants to burry them all alive, inhume them somewhere where no one can notice them, so he approaches him, thinks of fisting his face for some unknown reasons but finds his lips attached to his, his tongue forcing its way into his mouth, wrecking both of them into pieces.
“What are you doing here?” Hyukjae asks as he attacks his collarbone, his neck and jaw line. Donghae is silent, just lolling his head from side to side and Hyukjae is sick, so sick of this painful fairy tail.
“I just needed to see you,”
“Liar,” Hyukjae is on his lap, ripping his shirt off of him and Donghae is a moaning mess. Hyukjae doesn’t know why he is doing this, he might be attracted to Donghae, he might need Donghae, and he might be seeking for revenge.
“Why did you go to Junsu? How in the fucking world do you even know him?” He asks again and this time he’s pinning Donghae to the wall, bloody eyes on his, and he thinks that he might cry.
“Junsu is a drug dealer,” Donghae says as he clutches Hyukjae’s shirt “Not only that, he’s been using your money Hyukjae,”
“And that doesn’t concern you, not even a single bit, why are you here, why do you even know that, why are you saying this when you just went to him the last week asking him to come back to me, how in the fucking world Donghae?” Hyukjae might be yelling by then, tears drenching his face, throwing things at Donghae’s face, but Donghae is silent, staring at him until he calms down and falls to the floor, puffs his messy hair and palms his face.
“I used to take drugs too, I was Junsu’s client,” He moves down to sit beside Hyukjae and Hyukjae sniffles, weeping somehow stopping.
“So what does it have to do with you?”
“I think that Junsu might love you, a bit,”
Hyukjae’s heart doesn’t race; it doesn’t flatter. It feels like cardboards, he may say.
“I don’t give a shit,” Hyukjae says quietly, “I really don’t,”
“Hyukjae,” Donghae responses, “When, actually, you first joined us, I thought that I might have been a little in love, so everything that I did with you wasn’t just a fragment of-“
“Donghae, leave me alone, just leave, I don’t need to hear your shitty confessions,”
And Donghae leaves him alone, and he might be crying when he shuts the door of Hyukjae’s apartment close, but Hyukjae isn’t quite sure about it.
Hyukjae does really meet Junsu; he finds him waiting for him in front of his own apartment.
“What do you want?” Hyukjae asks and Junsu’s eyes show hopelessness and despair.
“Hyukjae,” He walks to him and kisses him suddenly, full on the lips and Hyukjae has to push his dead body of his.
“What the fuck are you doing?” He yells as he fists his face and Junsu falls straight on the floor with blood reddening his lips.
“Hyukjae please, everything that I did, I’m sorry, I’m sane now, all clean, take me back, pleas-“
“Go away,” Hyukjae says when Junsu attempts on clinging to him, “I could never forget what you’ve done to me, I trusted you, I loved you, I cherished you, Junsu!”
“I know,” Hyukjae promises himself to not fall for his eyes, he promised. “And here I am asking for forgiveness, please, I could be better! Try me!”
“Junsu please, leave!”
“Has Donghae been playing tricks on you? He’s been toying with you! He was always dealing with drugs too, he lied to you Hyukjae! Wake up!”
“You are an asshole, Donghae is an asshole, and I am too. Assholes can’t be together, now please leave, leave me alone, you fucker.”
And Junsu complies, because Junsu is still a man who has his own pride. He has swallowed it once, twice, thrice and that’s enough, for now.
He leaves Hyukjae alone, and Hyukjae crouches down the floor, it isn’t quiet anymore, he thinks. He lights a cigarette, palms his face, cries and yells “I don’t deserve this,”
Hyukjae is a man of pride too, but he doesn’t know how many times he still has the right to swallow it.
He goes to Donghae’s apartment, waits for him to open his door, but when he doesn’t, he pushes it open, comes in, and finds Donghae suffocating into weed.
It’s Hyukjae who panics, who takes care of Donghae, bathes him, cleans him up, refreshes his apartment. It’s Hyukjae who stays by his side until he sleeps on his chair. It’s Hyukjae who has always been swallowing his pride, all over again.
“I should have died,” Donghae says when he wakes up and Hyukjae yells at his face, tells him no Donghae, you don’t know how many sacrifices I have done for your sake, oh yes, you should have died! You should burry your self in your garden’s dust, but his words aren’t matching his actions, especially when he kisses Donghae’s mouth, embraces him and they make love until they get tired, and sleep until the dawn comes.
Hyukjae and Donghae.
Hyukjae and Junsu.
Nothing seems right; in all the ways any name accompanied by Hyukjae seems all shity, all wrong.
Hyukjae writes down and Donghae looks at him from behind the sheets, and wonders, how would it take, for things to be quiet?
“We lied enough to each others, Donghae,” Hyukjae says and he might be tired of everything, tired of being hurt.
“I’m sorry, it’s just-“
“I know about everything,”
“I swear, I stopped it. Drugs, everything.”
“I’ve been kept in the dark for a little too long; don’t you think that it’s time for us to stop hurting each other all over again?”
“Hyukjae, listen,” He holds his arms up and looks at him, straight in the eyes, “I love you,”
And there’s honesty and hope, everything that Hyukjae is scared of, but in Donghae’s eyes, it might be different, maybe a little bit. So he smiles, a charming smile, a beautiful one. It’s been a long time since the sun has emerged, he thinks.
t really has been a very long time.
Junsu might be dead, and he might be alive.
He doesn’t think that he deserves it. But he shuts up, and accepts everything. Changmin tells him that he deserves it, everything, Junsu, you’re an asshole, a big one, the world shouldn’t let their guards down when you’re around, you should die, you are an human weapon. But the next, he’s beside him hugging him and telling him that everything is going to be alright, because he’s Junsu, and even though he’s been a traitor, he’s still Junsu, the Junsu that he loves so much.
Hyukjae isn’t over it, he thinks of Junsu, he knows that he might be a little in love with Donghae, and that Donghae is trying to be better, but Junsu is still invading his mind. So he lays down on the soft mattress of Donghae’s bed, Donghae is cooking next door and he thinks of Junsu's chubby-cheeked face, of Junsu’s bright smile. He may laugh at his visions, but he doesn’t, he keeps a straight face, takes his phone, hesitates a little, before sending a message, a meaningful one.
You’re still Junsu, anyway.
He doesn’t expect a quick reply, but when his phone’s screen lights up, he smiles quitely and thinks of straight paths and giant stops. He might be in love, maybe a little too much.
“Hyukjae, can you help here? I’m a little stuck; the flask can’t be opened,” Donghae yells from the kitchen.
“Okay,” He shouts back as he approaches Donghae, kisses his mouth (chastely!) and tries to open the flask, and Donghae, dumbfounded, stares at him but smiles anyway.
I know, and you’re still Hyukjae, and in any ways, Hyukjae, please, love people who cherish you.