Raiting: PG| 4192words
Donghae dreams about a vacant future in Seoul, and finds himself living an unexistent present of unrealizable hopes and pleads
Christmas time came when the north winds roared along the valley and shook its pines. The icy winds swirling in the village shook the doors and windows, making the stacks glide and scream. In the entire houses, the fire was lightened in the hearths with white –and somehow yellowish- beech. The heavy oak legs ignite rapidly to converse, permanently, fire by spreading a good and warm heat. And this is how the evenings and parties began, with families grouped in front of the coals, where they speak and where spirits listen. In this kind of nights, no one feared the vulgar snow. Not anymore, when all what people have been hearing were the fresh and suave songs of Christmas.
But it was all different for someone who has been seating on his numb chair for around- three hours, waiting for the right station that would welcome him with wide opened arms. He didn’t quite understand why people were this excited about a day, one day in the whole year. A day were miracles happen, a day where the hearts won’t stop beating. Lies. He thought as he titled his face to have a better view of the city. The city that was covered with a huge set of wool and silk. Christmas is such a lucky and smart event. Choosing December over all the months to give itself such a bright beauty, making people believe that this marvel is the made of this event
But even if he loathes Christmas, at least, he is sure that today is the very day where he decided to purchase his dreams and hopes. If Christmas was meant to make miracles happen, then, for the first time in his entire life, he wants to believe in that. He wants to believe that somehow due to Christmas, a miracle will have place in his world
Hours passed and different kinds of people and genders entered and left the train. He lost the count of how many hypocritical smiles or laughs have been drawn on their lips. I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, are you okay are the only words that linked all of them. He sighed; will Seoul be different of all those big towns where you can only hear curses and pleadings? Where you can only put your hands inside of your pockets and hid you face under your coat to avoid the unpleasant smell of smoke and alcohol? Will he meet people with real smiles and brilliant futures? He wonders.
“We reached Seoul young man!” An aged woman told him with a deep smile that showed her dimples. He remembers talking with her some while ago. He smiled back before getting up to grab his luggage. She patted smoothly his back to get his attention before grinning.
“Young man, take care. Seoul is such a scary town, don’t let people use you.” She mumbled to him as she took her leave. And he knew it more than anyone. Seoul is totally different of Mokpo. Seoul is scary.
Seoul doesn’t have the fishy scent of Mokpo. Seoul doesn’t have kids running around its corners with their feet kicking a plastic ball. Seoul doesn’t have the geniune smile of his father or the gentle dimples of his mother. Seoul doesn’t sleep; Seoul is always awake. Seoul doesn’t have the excited and childish spirit of Donghae. Seoul isn’t Mokpo. Seoul is different.
In Seoul people are always in rush, the streets are crowded with heavy transport and circulation. There, the single sound of steps making contact with the ground can be heard, people are quite, so quite to his liking. It’s completely a world of strangers. Mad world, Donghae noted.
Close, I’m close; I’m getting closer to the edge. Donghae thought when he saw the huge building of SM Entertainment. He saw a bright future being drawn in front of his own eyes. He saw smiles, laughter, grins and teeth.
Different kinds of practice rooms, trainers, staffs and workers came to his view. All, carrying different kinds of facial reactions. He was anxious and he didn’t know why. He thought that he was million years early to be here, in this place. But he noticed something; he noticed that here is different of there. Here isn’t Seoul; here is just a locus in Seoul. Here doesn’t have people rushing, doesn’t have the egger smell of smoke and alcohol, and here doesn’t have lights igniting the place. Maybe, just maybe, here is the place to where he belongs, the place that has his dreams and hopes.
Donghae didn’t believe his eyes when he saw his pen ready to sign the contract that he made with Korea’s biggest companies, SM Entertainment. He saw butterflies being inserted in his life; he was getting closer and closer to the edge.
His father was the first one to receive the big news. His father’s smile was wide when he heard his son’s blabbers and he asked him if he was happy, and for the first time since he arrived, Donghae wondered if he really was happy.
Donghae smiled widely when he met someone who was originally from Mokpo. His name was Yunho. They met during one dance practice, and the later was unbelievably amazing that Donghae started wondering why SM is still not accepting such great talents. Each time Donghae compliments him about how awesome he is, Yunho will laugh it off and tells him that he is still million early to receive such a good comment from someone like him. And Donghae doesn’t understand why the trainers in this company always prefer criticism over compliments.
It was really no exceptional day when Yunho came into their usual practice room with his backpack swinging around his shoulder, smiling. Donghae wasn’t really paying attention to him because he was just so concentrated on his dancing to even care. It was until he felt a hand ruffling his hair and with an annoyed sigh, he turned around to welcome the sight of Yunho and two other strangers sitting in the back of the room. He gave Yunho a confused look to which the later grinned.
“Guys, meet my almost like brother, Lee Donghae.” Yunho said as he put an arm around Donghae’s shoulders. Almost like brother. The phrase replayed itself in Donghae’s mind, and he found it nice. Actually, very nice.
A guy with bangs covering his forehead and another one that had his not-so-short hair covering his ears (He was also wearing his high school uniform, Donghae noted) stared at him for seconds before smiling.
“I’m Kim Junsu. It’s nice to meet you.” The one with bangs said with a faint smile.
“Lee Hyukjae.” The other one murmured as he bowed his head a little. He had such a beautiful jaw. Donghae thought as he stared at him sitting on the not so dirty floor of the practice room.
“Unfortunately, Sungmin and Jungsu-hyung aren’t here, I’m sure that you would be able to meet them in the future. They are nice; you’ll get on well with them.” Yunho told him with a wink before walking to put on his own music, screaming a loud “Let’s work” making both Hyukjae and Junsu jump in no time.
Donghae stared at them laughing and joking around. He wondered if this is really the Seoul that he was supposed to reach; the cold Seoul that he had under his feet.
By the time, as Yunho said, Donghae got to see Sungmin, A very cheerful and optimistic guy who came from Ilsan. He had his life inside of his hands. He had never got a single negative thought, at least as much as Donghae knows. He thinks that one of those days he will appear on TV, impression everyone with his talents and make his parents proud. Donghae thinks that maybe Sungmin was closer to the edge than he was
Donghae became closer with Hyukjae. He now knows such small facts like his love for Strawberry milk and sweet things. He also knows that Hyukjae likes to sit on the dancing floor watching other trainers dancing or singing because it makes him feel all alive and Donghae doesn’t understand how and why he can feel this way just by an insignificant action, but he doesn’t even bother to ask.
“I miss Christmas,” Sungmin says as he rests his back against the skyish wall of the dancing room, Hyukjae stares at him, stares and stares until he sighs.
“I don’t get what’s so marvelous about Christmas,” He adds to that and Donghae widens his eyes.
“You don’t get it too, do you?” Donghae exclaims with a small smile and Hyukjae laughs.
“You look stupid,” He notes and Donghae grins so hard that his cheeks hurt. He remembers hearing Sungmin saying something about how absurd and crazy he looks, but he doesn’t care, he really doesn’t.
When Donghae found Hyukjae crying in the restroom, he felt so lost. The Hyukjae with gums and white teeth, the Hyukjae with an enormous laugh and genius winkles, the Hyukjae with the reassuring and content smile, is crying.
He just stood there awkwardly, looking at his trembling back, without even moving an inch. At these times, if it was Yunho, he will give him a back hug and tells him that it’s okay, hyung! But Hyukjae isn’t Yunho; Hyukjae doesn’t cry for nothing, Hyukjae doesn’t show his weakness. And this is how Donghae thought that after all, he didn’t know a single thing about Hyukjae. For him, Hyukjae was just a vacant person with an unknown past and feelings, a person with gums and white teeth.
That day, he let himself rest against the counter, with his hands wrapped around his backpack and eyes focused on the crying figure of Hyukjae.
When Junsu and Yunho announced that they will be debuting together, as a boy band, a boy band babe! (Junsu yells and Yunho laughs), Donghae thinks that he starts to understand the muffled weeping and sobs of Hyukjae, the unspoken words and promises that were buried in the silent dancing rooms.
“Talk, Hyukjae. I’m listening.” Donghae says when he and Hyukjae collapsed on the cold floor of the dancing room. Hyukjae gives him a quick look before smiling sadly at him.
“There’s nothing to talk about really,” He answers faintly and he feels Donghae getting up off the dirty floor to squeeze his hands.
“I’m really listening.” He says and Hyukjae cries, cries until his head hurts, until he felt the moonlight glinting his face, giving him a splendid image that Donghae thinks he will never get to see again.
“We will debut together, I, you and Sungmin-hyung.” Donghae says as he holds Hyukjae’s hands and Sungmin gives him a lazy look.
“Really?” Sungmin says with a teasing smile, and Donghae slaps his arm, asking him to not cut him off the next time he talks and Sungmin obeys with a final mucking laugh.
“We will debut together, just like Junsu and Yunho did, we are together in this, Hyukjae.”
“No buts Hyukjae, just, just believe in me. Because I’m obviously not Junsu.”
“Right,” Hyukjae says and grins, and Donghae felt the urge of kissing his smile.
And they really did debut together, with nine other members. Nine, you say Hyukjae questions and Donghae laughs, yes, nine.
And they are back to dirty dancing rooms, silent promises and unspoken words. There was a time when Donghae and Hyukjae were leaning against the cold walls, when Donghae stared at Hyukjae’s moonlighted face, when Donghae intertwined their fingers, when Donghae leaned in, and when Donghae planned to kiss Hyukjae’s plump lips but got it wrong and kissed his cheek instead.
Hyukjae gave him a lazy look, cheeks heated up, and gums showing and Donghae thinks that this is how it ought to be.
Kyuhyun joins Super Junior (It’s not Super Junior 05 anymore, rejoice boys!). Hyukjae had a hard time believing that they are thirteen now. It is okay Hyukjae, he looks friendly! Donghae says and Hyukjae tells him that thirteen is too much but Donghae shrugs it off and says that thirteen is just a number.
“I’m happy,” Donghae says as he holds Hyukjae’s hand when they were settled on bed, legs tangled and bodies linked.
“I know, I’m happy too.” Hyukjae answers as he closes his eyes, leaving Donghae’s orbs fixed on him.
"I never thought that we could win such a significant award,” He stops, “No because, Hyukjae, we were nothing, we were just some trainers working their asses out from six to ten, dirtying their clothes with- wait, are you listening?” He asks when he felt Hyukjae’s warm breath blowing the hairs of his neck.
“Good night.” He adds before drifting off to sleep with the image of Hyukjae’s plump lips invading his vision.
When Hyukjae says that he’s got a girlfriend, a very pretty one (he notes), Donghae felt as if his world stopped spinning.
“What is she like?” Sungmin says as he rests his head on Donghae’s shoulder and Hyukjae grins.
“She’s amazing, she’s studied fashion in France and she’s now attending a beaux-arts’ university in Seoul. She knows how to cook very well, the last time she made Bulgogi for me, I thought that this is how my future life is ought to be, with her cooking different types-“
“Ok, we got it Hyukjae.” Donghae cuts him off as he stares back at the delicate and sharp material of the window. Sungmin gives him an odd look and Hyukjae looks worried.
“Donghae, are you okay?” He asks and Donghae doesn’t answer. And Hyukjae takes it as a no, he turns back to stare at his phone with numerous thoughts occupying his mind.
“Just, congratulation, really.” Donghae finally says after what seemed like years and he doesn’t hear the humming sound that Hyukjae made at the back of his throat because Sungmin’s snoring made it impossible for him.
It was Christmas and Hyukjae invited him and Sungmin over for a dinner, with Hyojin, (was it?) his girlfriend.
Donghae thinks that she really was pretty, red hair and deep brown orbs. She smiled at him, extending her hand, to shake his. Donghae stared at the palm of her hand aseptically, not even bothering to take it.
“Oh,” She says as she holds back her hand, biting her lower lip, wondering what was wrong.
Donghae saw Hyukjae glaring at him, as he made up an entire false excuse about how shy he is and no Hyojinnie, Donghae doesn’t mean it, really.
“It’s okay,” She says as she sat back on her chair, “So, Donghae-ssi it is?” She asks and Donghae made an effort, a big one, to (hypocritically) smile at her and nod.
“And Sungmin-ssi,” She adds and smiles when Sungmin (cutely) nods.
She starts talking about her work, about how good the food is (and Hyukjae says that it’s not as good as your food) and about how happy she is to meet Hyukjae’s closest friends (and it doesn’t seem right to Donghae’s ears)
The dinner went smoothly until Hyojin commended a bottle of wine and offered it to them.
“I don’t drink,” Donghae declined as politely as he could and Hyojin shook her head and insisted that he should try it, it’s really relaxing, she says.
“I said no,” Donghae said coldly and when she didn’t stop, he heaved a sigh and (almost) yelled a loud no.
She put down the glass as she stared at him, smile’s fading and eyes fanning.
“I’m sorry Hyojin,” Hyukjae says as he puts a hand around her shoulder, “Donghae is really not feeling well today, that’s why so-“He cuts himself off as he grabs the glass of wine and smiles at her “I’ll drink it, for you.”
And Donghae widens his eyes, hands trembling as Hyukjae swept on the bitter and amer liquid.
“Hyukjae, Hyukjae no” He says lowly with glassy eyes and everything. Hyukjae closes his eyes as he tries to swallow whatever he drank, and Donghae feels the whole past being effaced with a bottle of wine and a red headed woman.
“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Hyukjae asks as he locks his and Sungmin’s shared room.
Donghae doesn’t answer; he just let his body lean against the bed’s soft and sleek mattress. He closed his eyes as he felt the Christmas’ harsh wind blowing his bangs away.
“I want to comeback home, I miss home.” He says and Hyukjae sighs.
“Why were you being like that towards Hyojin?” He asks and Donghae gives him a lazy look.
“Hyukjae,” He opens his arms widely and smiles, “Hug me once?” He says and Hyukjae rolls his eyes as he leaves the room. And Donghae hugs the space and moonlights.
Donghae really did go back to his hometown, carrying the untamable scent of Seoul.
And Hyukjae wonders why he feels so empty and lifeless.
Donghae really did comeback to Seoul with tears and weeping and unrealizable dreams.
And Hyukjae wonders why he still feels so empty and lifeless.
“Dad, dad isn’t, dad is no more.” Donghae says as he hugs Jungsu with tears wetting his face and trembling hands and everything.
“Donghae, Donghae, Donghae” Jungsu says as he hugs him tighter and the dorm is carrying tears and sorrow again.
Hyukjae stares at Donghae’s crying figure as he leans against the kitchen’s counter, and wonders why can’t he do anything to comfort him, why can’t he even reach him, why is he so far away.
And that day was spent with Donghae in his locked room, crying his heart out and Hyukjae leaning against the doorway, trying to say something but can’t manage to pronounce a single word.
When Donghae quits his room, Hyukjae hugs him to death, crushes his bones and kisses his tears away.
“I’m with you in this; we are together in this,” Hyukjae says and Donghae cries even more.
“Your dad isn’t dead. A man doesn’t die because of a cancer or a poisonous soup. A man dies when he’s forgotten.” He reasons and Donghae nods and nods and says that he wants to believe in his words.
“I’m sorry Hyukjae,” Donghae says when they were sitting side by side, in front of the Han River, watching it as it meanders and sneaks between their feet.
“For what?” Hyukjae asks as he stares at him, and thinks that Donghae shouldn’t look beautiful, because men can be handsome but not beautiful.
“For everything, for being mean towards your girlfriend” what are you doing with a girl like her anyway, “For destroying your date and-“
“Ssh, Donghae,” Hyukjae cuts him off, placing his index against his lips and smiles, smiles and smiles until his cheeks hurt. And Donghae thinks that Hyukjae shouldn’t look beautiful, because men can be handsome but not beautiful.
They were again dancing their hearts out, dirtying their pants with the practice room’s floor, sweating and panting.
“This will never end,” Donghae says as he collapses on the floor and Hyukjae almost steps on his foot.
“You look stupid,” Hyukjae says and Donghae laughs as he pulls on his hand and asks him to join him on the floor.
“So romantic,” Hyukjae says as he crosses his legs and stares at Donghae who was smiling at him, and squeezing his hand.
“You’re beautiful,” Donghae says all of sudden without missing a breath and Hyukjae blushes faintly.
“What the hell are you talking about?”
And Donghae found himself staring again at Hyukjae’s face, tracing each part of it with his eyes, and at a matter of seconds, without thinking he says as smoothly as he can “Kiss me”
Hyukjae looks terrified and confused, he says that if he’s joking he should stop but when he found his lips attached to Donghae’s, he thinks that no, this is reality.
It was just a soft and smooth kiss, two lips meeting, no tongues or teeth involved. When they pulled away, Hyukjae was sitting there without moving an inch, and Donghae was searching for something in his eyes, that he obviously couldn’t find.
“I love you, okay.” Donghae cuts him off and stares at him with glassy eyes and everything that Hyukjae doesn’t want to see.
“Donghae, this is wrong.”
“Is it?” He asks as he stands up and he thinks that at that moment he can see nothing but a future that doesn’t guzzle.
Donghae doesn’t remember the last time he actually saw Hyukjae; the later was locking himself in his room, not caring about the outside world, and Donghae doesn’t feel guilty, at all.
There was a time when he found Hyojin standing in front of their dorm, looking for an inexistent figure. He approaches her with lazy steps and asks her what she was doing there.
“It’s been an entire week since I and Hyukjae talked,” She says as she tapes her heels against the ground. “You know, it’s not normal, at all,” She adds and Donghae sees a tear escaping her eyes.
“He’s busy,” Donghae says and almost laughs at his own lie, why I am even helping you. “Just call him,”
“No, no.” She says as she fixes her bangs, “I feel as if, as if, he’s not here anymore, as if he’s far and far away.” She stops “Maybe, maybe, he found somebody else to love.”
“No,” Donghae mumbles sadly (and he doesn’t know why) “He’s just busy,” He adds and she nods.
“Maybe, maybe you’re right.”
That night, Hyojin calls him with a cracked voice and muffled sobs.
“Hyukjae-e, Hyukjae...” She managed to say after what seemed like hours “He broke up with me,” and here comes a serie of cries.
Donghae saw that coming, he really did.
“Why did you break up with her, I thought that she was your everything?” Donghae asks as he leans against the doorway and Hyukjae closes the book that he has been reading and says “Come here, Donghae,”
Donghae sits on the edge of the bed as he stares at Hyukjae’s moonlighted face and wonders if men can really be beautiful.
“Kiss me again,” He says with sparkled and twinkled eyes and Donghae thinks that it is okay, men can be beautiful.
“We’ll be fine, Hyukjae.” Donghae says as he holds Hyukjae’s hand and kisses his lips. Sungmin looks at them oddly but smiles nevertheless.
“You guys are mad,” He says as he rests his head on Hyukjae’s shoulder and stares at the calm and peaceful aura of the Han River. “There are too many memories here that I want to hold onto,” Sungmin says smoothly as he holds their hands and closes his eyes. “This should never end, all these sealed memories,”
And Donghae sees Hyukjae’s gums, Sungmin’s pink stuffs and his own Mokpo’s accent. This shouldn’t be ending. He thinks.
“I love you two,” Hyukjae says while staring into Donghae’s brown orbs and Donghae almost tears up.
“To think about it,” Sungmin says “I never thought that we would last as I, you and you” He laughs “Is Seoul scary, Donghae?”
And Donghae thinks yes, it’s scary when it doesn’t have Hyukjae’s smile and Sungmin’s warmth.
“No, it’s not scary.”
“Hyukjae, look, it’s snowing,” Donghae says as he stares at the window, covering both of their naked bodies with a heavy blanket.
Hyukjae hums, resting his head on Donghae’s shoulder and smiles,
“This is the most righteous thing that I have felt in my whole life,” He says and he holds Donghae’s hand, “We are together in this,”
And Donghae gives him the sloppiest kiss of his life and smiles against his lips,
“It should be illegal to love you this much,” He says with twinkled eyes and toothy smile and Hyukjae just stares at him without uttering a word.
“Merry Christmas,” Hyukjae says and kisses him and Donghae thinks that that’s it, this is the Christmas that he has always loathed.
Donghae doesn’t remember their eternal fights about how wrong and sinful their relation is, or how inappropriate their love is. He just remembers this, Hyukjae ghostly mumbling I love you's to him and making promises about a vacant and unknown future, and together they will try to live this.
I'm not sure about this at all, it has been in my drafts for ages and it was hard to continue because it was written in my old style